10 Real People Share How They Turned Their Marriage Around
Every marriage is different, but they all have one thing in common: No matter how much you love each other, you’re bound to hit a rough patch sooner or later. The good news is that once you figure out a way to get through the issue, your marriage will be stronger than ever. And you can get to that other side. Read on for some great tips from real people on what they did to turn heir marriage around. And for more great advice, check out what these 20 people learned from relationships that failed.
“I usually fall asleep with him, but get up in the middle of the night and move into the other room if he starts to snore,” she says. People tend to think that having separate beds is a sign of marital issues. But people often like to sleep at different temperatures, and if one person is a snorer or a blanket hog, it can cause some serious fights. So for some couples, separate beds are more than worth it. Plus, having her own bed gives Megan the added perk of being able to curl up with her pup, which a recent study found is a great sleeping aid for women.
Philip also says that many couples don’t really understand what it means to “honor” someone. “It’s easy to honor someone when they’re new or you’re engaged, but [it’s] human nature to take each other for granted. I believe behind every marriage problem, there is an honor problem. Whether it’s finances or sexuality or differences, somebody is feeling dishonored. So I would dishonor or dismiss the things that were important to [my wife], and she would do the same with me. … You have to be honest with yourself and think, ‘How am I dishonoring her?’ And have those hard conversations where you say, ‘What is it that I do that makes you feel honored?’ and then reinvest in that.”
“Picking your battles and being willing to give in when you reach a stalemate is an important skill in managing a relationship,” he says. “There are going to be times when you have opposite views on something and are never going to come to agreement. Being willing to give in during some of those situations is an important negotiating skill throughout your relationship. There will be issues that you absolutely can’t give in on. Keep that in mind during other situations and be willing to compromise when it’s not that important to you.”
Scott says if something is continuously nagging at you, it is important to bring it up instead of letting it fester, because you can’t expect someone to read your mind. But, even then, you should always try to put yourself into the other person’s shoes. “One of the main reasons we fight is that we have our own perspective on something and see the issue through our lens,” he says. “By trying to imagine what it’s like on the ‘other side’ of the argument, you can gain insight into how your partner is feeling and how they might perceive a situation, leading you to sometimes change your position—or at least soften it—as a means to compromise.”
They tried family therapy, but ultimately the thing that helped the most was just not talking to her in-laws for a few years. “Choosing to not talk for a while wasn’t shutting the door on their existence forever. It was just giving everyone time to regroup,” she says. “Eventually, everyone realized they were just raging for the sake of raging.”
She also says that “revisiting the place you fell in love—like first date restaurants, movie theaters, etc.—can bring back the sense memories you felt when you were in the honeymoon stage.” That can go a long way in reigniting the fire in a relationship that’s entered the companion stage. For more on this, find out what science says is actually the happiest point in your marriage. (Spoiler alert: It’s not the beginning!)
“He had a flip phone when we just met, so he was always present with me when we were together,” she says. “But, once we got married, I would come home and he wouldn’t even ask me how my day went because he’d be too busy scrolling through Twitter or watching videos on YouTube. And when I told him things, he wouldn’t hear me because he’d be buried in his phone.” For Bella, everything changed once she told her husband just how much his behavior was hurting her, and now they have a policy not to look at their phones when they’re spending the evening together. For more ways you could be negatively affecting your marriage, check out these things you’re doing wrong that will kill your marriage.
As much as combining her career goals with his helped, Masha also says that what turned their marriage around the most was the fact that she realized that “men are humans with feelings and backgrounds. They don’t owe you anything and are not means of establishing a picture-perfect relationship that you’ve been dreaming of since puberty. Ever since that realization dawned on me, our life became so much easier.”
“We didn’t solve all our problems. I can’t even say that we never fought again. But the nature of our fights changed. Not only were they becoming more and more rare, they lacked the energy they’d once had. We’d deprived them of oxygen. We just didn’t have it in us to hurt each other anymore.” For more on how much small gestures matter, read this heartwarming viral thread about the little quirks people adore about their loved ones.